Heartbreaking

So another day begins, lets go back to April 2004.I was living in a homeless hostel at the time. (rather rough) and I was on all sorts of medication for my depression etc. It was the day before my sons birthday and I had no money. The result I sold my mobile phone. Know all this seems ok until I tell you that the next day on my sons birthday my dad tried to call me to see if I was ok (I wasn't) and wanted to go to his house.
As I didn't have a phone I never got this call. I only found out weeks later when I finally saw him. This still upsets me now and also makes me see that one small act of reaching out to someone you love to check that they are ok can have a huge effect.

And i was born

10th November 1980, dinner time. I am born.

Maybe that's why i eat so much my mum jokes that i was born at dinner time as i was hungry. So here is the start of things. Me being born into a nice middle class family one father check, one mother check still together check after one hiccup,(my mum calls it her walkabout year) one sister check (we will come back to these people).
I had a normal upbringing insofar as one can when they are raised on the seen but not heard rule. Yes i had to stand on a footstool and recite my times table and alphabet or get a smack, yes i got a smack for misbehaving, yes i had a chain on my door so i couldn't leave the room if i'd misbehaved. (all out of love ?) but parents being parents did try there best in their own way.
I mean I was spoilt, expensive toys, new moped when i was 16 new car at 17 private school the list goes on. The end result of this ? Me leaving (well ok kicked out) of home at 17 due to drugs and the old man having a break down. But here i am 15 years later and still around.

Back to being born, god that must have been painful for my mum i've seen my son be born and owch in a word comes to mind and that was a cesarean so none of this tearing stuff.

I grew up in a good environment (take what you will from being locked in my bedroom) and i know that they tried there best but i was always an awkward sod as a kid. Classic case of ïf he applied himself he would happily be a A star student but as it is he seems content with with cruising along at C level". Well didn't the teachers realise there was more to it than that i mean there were girls to act awkwardly around, friends to impress and rules to be broken. I was trying to live my life not learn about life.

As they say hindsight is a wonderful thing...........if you enjoy regretting things that you've done in the past.

The Happy Brain

Life we all live one

Life, We all live one

List of things done

Been Born check,

had a short lived childhood check,

served in the army check,

tried to kill myself check (twice),

properly tried to kill myself check (once),

self harmed check,

smoked check,

drunk check,

drugs check,

high iq check,

common sense debatable check,

disowned parents for 10 year check,

turned 30 (surprisingly) check,

fucked check,

made love check,

fallen in love check (more than once),

lusted after someone check,

suffered from a mental illness check,

been in a psyatriatric ward check,

played sports check,

been obsessed by things check,

had a kid check, never see my kid check.

Abused check,

bullied check,

bullier check,

witty check,

homeless check.  

Dad tried to burn himself to death check,

 

 

Welcome to my life...